Back to the beginning in many ways. Over the course of two years my life has taken drastic twists and turns in the pursuit of something that, now, I know I never really wanted in the first place. It was an ideal that couldn't sustain in reality. The pursuit has caused a personality change into one of doubt at times, a sort of fear of the future, and a gnawing bitterness over things which I cannot control. I had to ask myself what I was doing here in the rat race. Am I really following a path with heart or am I simply pursuing some sort of external recognition? A place in society that would validate me as worthy of respect. A piece of paper that I could hold up as proof that I belong in the machine., that I have some sort of power here. The truth is that I don't believe I will ever fit into the mechanism. I wasn't born for it. A week ago I drank myself into the ground which is something I haven't done for a very long time. Some people consider it a good time but for me it's a sign of bad tidings. Rebelling through self destruction. No good.
After some considerable time spent meditating and reflecting a whole new direction has opened up that seems right now as if it was always supposed to be there. Life has come full circle and I know much more now than I did then.
This is the template I first started my blog with. Welcome.